I have a bucket full of them in my life. Just recently I have been thinking a lot about the excuses I use in my life to justify why I do and say things. It’s amazing what we as humans blame on others or consequences in life to justify our behavior.
From my first memory of growing up I can honestly say that the first excuse I started using was the fact that I was a preachers kid. I felt like everyone had a magnifying glass on me and everything I did. I heard over and over how preachers daughters especially were wild and were always rebellious. So I rebelled and ever since then it’s been a very easy excuse to say that I felt like I had to rebel, it was my destiny. I fit the profile, I was the wild child who started smoking at the age of 16 and shortly after started smoking pot and drinking. From there it went to cocaine and drinking in bars, wild parties and so on.
My excuse for picking and marrying the wrong guy. My dad didn’t love me when I was a teenager. The most our conversations would be was hi or bye. His love and affection that I was shown when I was younger was not present in my teen years. So of course I turned to guys who would give me attention…but it was my dads fault. Right? So I found the perfect rebel guy who was a high school drop out after his 10th grade. He was the one who introduced me to the cocaine, bars, fights and so on. When my parents tried to tell me I couldn’t see him anymore, I ran away from home and moved in with him and his parents. It was my parents fault for not understanding how much I loved him.
A little over a year of dating my boyfriend I became pregnant. Although I thought I was in love and marriage sounded like the perfect answer….my Father insisted to my boyfriend that we get married. Even though boyfriend agreed, he would use this against me throughout our 11 years of marriage. It became one of his excuses as to why he was so unhappy and felt the need to drink, do drugs, hit on me, cheat on me, etc. And in return my excuse to cheat on him and go against everything he wanted was because he didn’t treat me right and I was unhappy.
After the 11 year marriage and everything that took place, I felt I had a very good excuse to leave my kids every weekend to go to the bars/clubs and party. I felt like I never was given my youth and I was going to take it now. I did all of the things that I felt like I missed out on because I was married at such a young age. I was reckless and selfish and left my kids in the dust. I felt very justified in my actions because I was way over traumatized by my first marriage, I needed this freedom.
Because of my first marriage and the abuse and control that I went through, I felt very justified in changing my behavior towards others and how I was going to accept the way I would be treated from then on. I am very loud and opinionated on almost every subject because I feel like I have a right to say and do what I want. I wasn’t allowed to do so for many years and now, I’m going to do it. I felt like no one had the right to ever tell me again what I can and can not do. Of course this gets me in to trouble time and time again, but “they just don’t understand me and know what I’ve been through” was my excuse.
Treating people poorly or demanding things because I felt justified in doing so does not make it right. There are a lot of people out there with different stories. Some may be worse or better or the same….but they are real and true to each and everyone of us.
Sometimes I feel cheated in life because I grew up a preachers daughter and lost out on a relationship with my dad because of some other issues that I wasn’t even aware of. But in reality, I thank God for allowing me to have the parents I have, to have the upbringing I had that gave me the foundation of who I am today.
I feel like my first marriage was God giving me more than I could handle when he said that he would never give me more than I could handle. But, I handled it. I may be a little bruised and scarred from it, but yet again it has made me who I am today. I am very strong and confident in many ways because I had to be. Because I had to stand up for myself and my children and take charge of my life. I have messed up along the way but I have grown from each step and I have found that God is always by my side.
There are a lot of personal things that I am going through today that I am not ready to share but I know that many of these past things add to my excuses of why things are going the way they are in my life. I am acknowledging those things and I am trying to take ownership for them.
I know that I am not perfect and that no one is….but I need to quit using that as an excuse and using God’s grace to get through this life. I need to own up to my own faults and my own insecurities to move on to the greater things in life. It is so sad that I’m 40 years old and had to go through this much to see these little things.
I know we all have excuses and someone or something to blame in our lives as to why we are who we are….but what if we didn’t? What if we had to look at ourselves and blame ourselves for the way our lives are going, would we change? I hope I can…..
