Fairy tale......I think not

So I've been reading up on a lot of Step mom blogs and articles....I even ordered a book online about a step mom and a step daughter who when the daughter was older they wrote a book together. It gives their perspectives about going into the whole "blended family" world. I hope it is helpful in this time where I feel lost.

I have always wanted a fairy tale life with the prince and the happily ever after. Especially after my first marriage and definitely not having a fairy tale life with him. When I met Neil of course I thought he was my prince charming. He's handsome and an awesome man who knows how to treat me and take care of me and best of all loves the Lord. But NEVER in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would become the evil step mother.

Just to get one thing straight.....I don't believe I'm the evil step mother, that is what little miss Cinderella believes.

Anyways, I was reading a blog from a step mom and her journey of about 5 yrs with her prince charming and Cinderella. It was cute kinda.....she had all the characters; Prince Charming, Cinderella, Evil Step Mom, bio children...Hansel and Grettle and then the bio mom of Cinderella was Maleficient. Also somewhere in there was a boyfriend or husband to the bio mom but I forget his character name. So I go back to the beginning and read to the present time. I saw the struggles and how hard things became and how the bio mom was always interfering with the family. At first evil step mom tries to make nice and keep things good for Cinderella and the family but it gets to a point where there is no stopping bio mom and things spin out of control. They finally go back to court (which is such a difficult process, being through it many times and each time wanting to run away) and her 2nd to last post that she recently posted is that her and her prince charming are now getting a divorce and have to go into their own custody battle over hansle and grettle. Sooooo, all in all not a great story to read after all. I dont think I got the inspiration I needed off that one. It's horrible because some days I think that is our destination with this situation.

My personal Cinderella is now 9 and some days I feel like calling her the evil step child instead of a cute name like Cinderella. Anyways, she went to her bio moms for 5 weeks this summer....longest she's ever been. Not that the days matter....she can ruin the child in one conversation. When Cinderella came home she pointed out a few things that went wrong on the trip but nothing that seemed alarming so we all went on about our lives. Day after day things progressively got worse as they always seem to do when bio mom talks so we started to think that something else had happened. But unless Cinderella opens up.....we can't make her talk. So as always, we sit by patiently until she bursts.....She bursted on me.

One day while sitting in her room talking to her she informs me that she is confused about something and wants to share it with me. So she begins to tell me this story that her mother has said about her dad during her summer visit and how confused she is. OF COURSE it was all lies so I let her know that it wasn't true but that she needed to talk to her dad. I'm not giving all details but one thing that was said was that the bio mom wished I would have never come along because if I hadn't then bio mom and prince charming would still be married. Cinderella was 8 when her bio mom thought it was ok to share that with her......no wonder she hates me. I'm to blame in her mind. I'm the reason her mom and dad are no longer together. ALL FALSE, bio mom doesn't want to reveal the stories about her infidelity and drug abuse and make everything her fault....so she targets dad and makes him the bad guy. Wow, what a lovely bio mom.....she also let Cinderella know that she would never forgive me. What's a child to do when bio mom says never forgive evil step mom who Cinderella lives with 24/7 45 weeks out of the year??? Great job bio mom......you should win an award!

Of course Prince Charming does his duty and lets little Cinderella know this is false and that evil step mom is not to blame and gives Cinderella age appropriate reasons why him and bio mom are no longer together and that they will never be together again. Problem solved??? Cinderella says so.......until PC leaves for the weekend and she is alone with ESM. That is when lil miss perfect tells ESM that she still blames her and wants her and ESM's daughter out of the house so that bio mom can swoop back into the story and live here.......and they can all live happily ever after. Hurt much?

Now you might be thinking.......she's only a child and she is a hurt and confused child who only wants her parents to be back together. I agree....I have 2 kids (19 and 21 now) and their father left when they were 8 and 10. I understand hurt and confusion.

Cinderella has decided that calling ESM "mom" is no longer an option and that she will be calling her by her first name. She has also decided that she can do and say what she pleases in this house and is getting away with it. She has disrespected ESM and this house. She told ESM that she does things on purpose so that PC and ESM will fight about her, hoping that ESM will leave for good. She has also admitted that PC is a pushover and she can get away with whatever with him.....out of control? I think so

Everyone knows I'm evil step mom in this but esm is a character in a book and does not define who I am. She may think I'm a horrible person for stepping in and doing things that moms do when they run a household but she has no clue how good she has it. Because of me being in her life she has a brother and a sister, grandparents, 3 uncles an aunt and lots of cousins who all love her and accept her as our family. I know a child doesn't see how much a mother puts into a family with the buying of clothes, groceries, dinners, laundry, helping them when they are sick, homework, rides...etc etc... She was still in diapers and drinking from a bottle when I met her...who potty trained her and got her off the bottle? Definitely not bio mom. Do I want a pat on the back......NO. Do I want her to bow down and be thankful that someone picked up where her bio mom left off......NO. Do I want respect in MY house.......YES YES and YES!!!

I'm so tired of bio mom and all the crap that she stirs up in this house. Every tuesday night is horrible because that is her "phone time". Every holiday is ruined because that is another time that she has with her to screw her up some more. I sometimes feel like bio mom lives here with everything that goes on. I'm tired, I feel like an outsider in my own house....I need my PC to come to the rescue and make this thing work. I know I can't make her love me and I know that this will be a difficult road but I just wish bio mom was more of a mom and human being so that this road could be a lot less bumpier. Dream on, I know......wishing for another fantasy world.

Pray for this situation.....I have never searched out Step moms before but I'm trying now. I don't know anyone who is a step mom so it's hard. Everyones story is different but the feelings I think can be really similar. Pray that I seek out God more too...it's been hard because I have been so angry and anger is BAD....

10/4/09 Sometimes when I write I'm in a bad mood or things are just overwhelming. This is one of those times. Please read that as someone who is and was very frustrated. Everyone has good and bad days and that was definitely a bad one.

Fitting in

I'm almost 40....not liking that number much, but that is life I guess. There has been a lot going on in my life lately and sometimes you don't want to share things with people because you're afraid they are going to judge you. There are a few people that I share things with, but even then it's limited at times. I'm almost 40 and I still want to "fit in". I don't want to be judged for my past or even my present.

I know we all do it, it's human nature....but sometimes when someone is talking about a certain "sin" or "fault" I start to get anxious. I wonder if that is triggering someone elses' mind about me. I have this huge fear that people are saying....that's totally describing Debbie and all of the bad things she has done in her life...and even some things that she is doing now. Maybe no one is thinking anything but it's so hard not to think that way when you know that so many people are so quick to point at others so that they dont have to look at themselves. I'm guilty of that.

I don't like the feeling of HAVING to "fit in". I don't like the feeling of HAVING to "keep up with the Jones' ". Sometimes (a lot of times) I just want to be me and not worry about what I'm saying, doing or wearing. I'm my own worst critic and I know that.....and I'm probably way too paranoid about what others think of me. I guess that is where my insecurity comes in and that is something that I need to work on.

I love to sing the song by Francesca Battistelli "Free to be me"....I would probably sing it at church if I could. But I've always loved songs about being free, flying away....things like that. I guess because I want to be me and not be judged for my past. I guess that is my issue, I can't see past my past....and I believe that others can't see it either. So many people don't have a clue of what goes on inside of me, but then again....do I have a clue about what's going on inside of them?

I know jealous is not something we should do....but I look at so many of the people in my church and see their "perfect" marriages with their families all in tact and I think about how they have probably never had to deal with drugs and alcohol, abuse or divorce......and I'm jealous. I know that God blessed me with a wonderful husband and that I have wonderful kids. I'm very thankful for that....even though sometimes I don't seem so greatful, I am. There is so much going on with Kayla that it's so difficult at times and puts a strain on things. It's mostly her mother always putting Kayla in a position to be loyal to her and to hate me, that makes it very difficult to parent a child who hates you because they believe you are the reason that their parents are not together. A whole other story...

I wrote my story about 5 years ago now.....about some of the things I went through in life. I thought that maybe if I could tell others about some of the things I had gone through then I could help someone. I haven't actually talked to anyone about my story and felt like I have helped them. Maybe someone has read it and it helped....but I don't know. It was hard to share something so personal in my life.....to let everyone read what things I let myself and my kids endure and now sometimes I almost feel ashamed for even putting it out there and sharing it, but I remind myself all the time that maybe one day it will help someone.....even if it's just one person. My dream, my goal is to be able to help people who are in abusive marriages or relationships and share how my life is now.

I guess we all want to fit in when it comes down to it....no one wants to be the odd man out.

Just thought I would share my thoughts that have been running through my mind lately.