Fitting in

I'm almost 40....not liking that number much, but that is life I guess. There has been a lot going on in my life lately and sometimes you don't want to share things with people because you're afraid they are going to judge you. There are a few people that I share things with, but even then it's limited at times. I'm almost 40 and I still want to "fit in". I don't want to be judged for my past or even my present.

I know we all do it, it's human nature....but sometimes when someone is talking about a certain "sin" or "fault" I start to get anxious. I wonder if that is triggering someone elses' mind about me. I have this huge fear that people are saying....that's totally describing Debbie and all of the bad things she has done in her life...and even some things that she is doing now. Maybe no one is thinking anything but it's so hard not to think that way when you know that so many people are so quick to point at others so that they dont have to look at themselves. I'm guilty of that.

I don't like the feeling of HAVING to "fit in". I don't like the feeling of HAVING to "keep up with the Jones' ". Sometimes (a lot of times) I just want to be me and not worry about what I'm saying, doing or wearing. I'm my own worst critic and I know that.....and I'm probably way too paranoid about what others think of me. I guess that is where my insecurity comes in and that is something that I need to work on.

I love to sing the song by Francesca Battistelli "Free to be me"....I would probably sing it at church if I could. But I've always loved songs about being free, flying away....things like that. I guess because I want to be me and not be judged for my past. I guess that is my issue, I can't see past my past....and I believe that others can't see it either. So many people don't have a clue of what goes on inside of me, but then again....do I have a clue about what's going on inside of them?

I know jealous is not something we should do....but I look at so many of the people in my church and see their "perfect" marriages with their families all in tact and I think about how they have probably never had to deal with drugs and alcohol, abuse or divorce......and I'm jealous. I know that God blessed me with a wonderful husband and that I have wonderful kids. I'm very thankful for that....even though sometimes I don't seem so greatful, I am. There is so much going on with Kayla that it's so difficult at times and puts a strain on things. It's mostly her mother always putting Kayla in a position to be loyal to her and to hate me, that makes it very difficult to parent a child who hates you because they believe you are the reason that their parents are not together. A whole other story...

I wrote my story about 5 years ago now.....about some of the things I went through in life. I thought that maybe if I could tell others about some of the things I had gone through then I could help someone. I haven't actually talked to anyone about my story and felt like I have helped them. Maybe someone has read it and it helped....but I don't know. It was hard to share something so personal in my life.....to let everyone read what things I let myself and my kids endure and now sometimes I almost feel ashamed for even putting it out there and sharing it, but I remind myself all the time that maybe one day it will help someone.....even if it's just one person. My dream, my goal is to be able to help people who are in abusive marriages or relationships and share how my life is now.

I guess we all want to fit in when it comes down to it....no one wants to be the odd man out.

Just thought I would share my thoughts that have been running through my mind lately.