Our First Hunting/Camping trip Oct 2009

First Day – The drive and setting up in the dark.

So originally our fist plan was to leave early afternoon so that we could get to the camp site and set up and Neil would be able to go out on at least one hunt that evening. But as always nothing ever goes according to plan. My dad had to have an angiogram that afternoon and ended up having a stint put in so by the time we made sure dad was ok, finished some last minute things we didn’t get out of town until after 6.

Gorgeous views driving up 44 through Shingletown and then across heading towards Susanville. There was a full moon and driving through the tress with the mountains and moon as the backdrop was amazing. Then there was the turn off, heading towards Chester and then to the campsite. Things started getting creepy. I usually don’t mind small towns but it was night and they seemed empty. Then they always have the creepy “Bates” looking motel where teasingly I said “Let’s stay there” but unfortunately and very oddly, there was no vacancy. Probably a good thing!

So we get to Chester, make the turn to head to the campsite and we go past a few homes and then we are out in the forest with trees and dark….nothing else. Of course I don’t like camping for many reasons and I quickly add this to my list. Being out in the middle of nowhere is not my ideal place to be. My mind started thinking bears and being attacked, it was becoming more and more apparent to me in that moment that I would go straight from the truck into the trailer and not leave unless ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.

Arriving and setting up….Guess what? ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY came a calling soon. Neil couldn’t back the trailer up into THE spot he had to have without someone directing him. What? Are you kidding me? In the dark where there were bears waiting to eat me? At first I refused, but then Neil didn’t know what to do and I knew it was necessary. So out with the flashlight I go checking out every area around us before deciding I could stand in the back guiding him in with occasional glances with the flashlight around me to make sure the bears were just watching and not pouncing. Thankfully it was quick, cause Neil is good like that, and I was in the trailer getting in trouble for bouncing around while Neil was trying to level the trailer out. I tried to blame RJ (my 6 month old doxie) but Neil didn’t buy it. Oh well, I tried.

Going to sleep….sick again, something that is normal these days. Neil has the heater on 68 and I’m fine with it. When you are sick it seems like the cold air helps. We put RJ in his crate, where he sleeps every night and went to sleep. About an hour later, RJ is whining….”shut up RJ and go to sleep” was my answer…that lasted for about ½ hour before he whined again…again, same response from me. The third time it finally hit me, I was cold but it felt good because of my condition but RJ was freezing. I pulled him out of the crate and put him under the covers where he snuggled up to Neil and fell right to sleep til morning.


Day 1 hunting and being in the trailer…

Neil was gone before the sun came up….good for him lol, not something I want to do. He calls it fun?? Yea, ok. Lazily Kayla and I stay in bed til after 8, get up and make the beds and have our breakfast. We brought the lap top so that I could watch movies and I brought one book so that I would have something to do while Neil was hunting. I pull out the laptop to put a movie in and can’t get it to work. Neil shows up a few minutes later and I ask him to fix it and he figures out that the laptop won’t play movies. UGH, I was so looking forward to movies in bed….now what? This trailer is nice to have because there is a bed and a kitchen and a bathroom but it’s still small. Outside wasn’t as bad in the daylight but still not something I wanted to explore….another thing on my list of NOT liking camping is bugs, and there are a lot of bugs outside…and dirt!

So far Neil has not seen a deer, not even a doe….bummer! But he was stalked and attacked by a chipmunk (chip or dale, he doesn’t know which one) He was sitting perfectly still on a log…not moving (weird) anyways, the chipmunk spots him and stares at him then darts to the side, stares at him again and then comes in front of him, stops and stares again….then takes off to a tree beside Neil and waits…then pounces out and runs across Neils boot and runs away. Neil was very skeered…..I think hehehehe.

The shower…..is SMALL. It’s like 2 foot by 3 foot and you have to turn the water on, shut the water off and try and take a shower with a 2 gallon water heater tank?? (Actually I think Neil said it was 6 gal. but saying 2 makes this much more traumatic lol) Turn the water on, get in, can’t move…spray yourself and basically without going into details of my shower it was a cold one and not fun.

The waterfall….Kayla comes in from outside where she had been riding her bike and asks to go see the waterfall. I’m thinking woo hoo, something cool! So after my shower and getting ready experience in the 4x4 bathroom I asked Neil if we could go down there. He told me he thought it was just a creek but I wanted to go anyways, just to see. Of course when we get there…it’s a creek, no waterfall. But of course it was still pretty and RJ was having a good time running around and it was photo op time again.

So it seems like a lot of complaining and maybe some of it is because I really don’t like camping at all. But for the most part it has been very relaxing and nice. It’s chilly outside but the trailer has been staying nice and warm. I’m reading a good book by Karen Kingsbury and I even got to take a nap. Neil did take me to where he has been hunting just in case…I was worried about him being out there and me not knowing where he was. Not that I have a vehicle or anyway of getting to him but at least my cell phone works out here in NowheresVille and I could call someone I guess to help me. We saw Chip or Dale; I’m not sure which one it was. He came out and said hi but when we tried to get a photo op with him he went back in his hole and only stuck his head out for a minute so we could at least get a picture of his face. But chipmunks and squirrels are about the only thing Neil said he’s seen on this trip so far....bummer again!

Neil is back from his second round of hunting, or just sitting still in the woods for hours at a time….tell me again how this is fun??? Anyways, he didn’t see anything again and is pretty disappointed. But its dinner time and camp fire…good times. Kumbaya anyone?? Bar-b-que chicken, stuffing, beans (of course) and rolls….YUMMY!! At least the foods been good. It should be a nice evening hanging with my hubby, grubbin and sitting around the camp fire. One more time out for him in the morning and then were heading home. J

2nd Night…..I went to sleep easier this night and decided not to attempt putting RJ in the crate again and let him sleep with us, much better. When Neil woke up at before anyone else in the whole world would it was FREEZING in the trailer…propane must be out. Well, this was a discussion before we left on this camping trip for him to make sure that both tanks were full because if they were going to run out it would definitely be in the middle of the night when it’s the coldest. Did Neil get both tanks full before we left….NO, he said that one full tank was plenty. Sooooooo he was outside in the dark trying to switch out propane tanks (taking the one from the bar-b-que) but found out that the one that was on there still had ½ a tank. So he came in and messed with the thermostat and it started working….so off to hunting he will go. Some time went by, I’m not sure because I was sleeping but the heater shut off again. So I get up and fiddle with the thermostat and it starts working again…for a few minutes. Apparently something else is wrong and RJ and I stay bundled up in the covers until Neil came back. Luckily it was a short morning for him….still no deer…and he figures out it has something to do with the battery and he has to turn the generator on. BLAH, I hate being cold….but it all worked out.

Leaving……we packed up, hooked up and things were going as planned….then Neil comes running in the trailer and yells “COME OUTSIDE QUICK!!!!” Ack, I think something is wrong or maybe there’s a buck in the campsite??? Nope, it was snowing J Awwww so beautiful, and we left.

All in all my first hunting/camping trip with Neil was great. We had a lot of fun and relaxation. There were a few things I might have changed but all in all…..at least I wasn’t eaten by a bear!!! Whewwwww! A good time was had by all.

Thanks for reading my story….it’s something I will never forget!

P.S. We did kill something……….RJ, when I pulled out my finger gun and yelled BANG, he fell down and died J at least we got something! lol

Fairy tale......I think not

So I've been reading up on a lot of Step mom blogs and articles....I even ordered a book online about a step mom and a step daughter who when the daughter was older they wrote a book together. It gives their perspectives about going into the whole "blended family" world. I hope it is helpful in this time where I feel lost.

I have always wanted a fairy tale life with the prince and the happily ever after. Especially after my first marriage and definitely not having a fairy tale life with him. When I met Neil of course I thought he was my prince charming. He's handsome and an awesome man who knows how to treat me and take care of me and best of all loves the Lord. But NEVER in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would become the evil step mother.

Just to get one thing straight.....I don't believe I'm the evil step mother, that is what little miss Cinderella believes.

Anyways, I was reading a blog from a step mom and her journey of about 5 yrs with her prince charming and Cinderella. It was cute kinda.....she had all the characters; Prince Charming, Cinderella, Evil Step Mom, bio children...Hansel and Grettle and then the bio mom of Cinderella was Maleficient. Also somewhere in there was a boyfriend or husband to the bio mom but I forget his character name. So I go back to the beginning and read to the present time. I saw the struggles and how hard things became and how the bio mom was always interfering with the family. At first evil step mom tries to make nice and keep things good for Cinderella and the family but it gets to a point where there is no stopping bio mom and things spin out of control. They finally go back to court (which is such a difficult process, being through it many times and each time wanting to run away) and her 2nd to last post that she recently posted is that her and her prince charming are now getting a divorce and have to go into their own custody battle over hansle and grettle. Sooooo, all in all not a great story to read after all. I dont think I got the inspiration I needed off that one. It's horrible because some days I think that is our destination with this situation.

My personal Cinderella is now 9 and some days I feel like calling her the evil step child instead of a cute name like Cinderella. Anyways, she went to her bio moms for 5 weeks this summer....longest she's ever been. Not that the days matter....she can ruin the child in one conversation. When Cinderella came home she pointed out a few things that went wrong on the trip but nothing that seemed alarming so we all went on about our lives. Day after day things progressively got worse as they always seem to do when bio mom talks so we started to think that something else had happened. But unless Cinderella opens up.....we can't make her talk. So as always, we sit by patiently until she bursts.....She bursted on me.

One day while sitting in her room talking to her she informs me that she is confused about something and wants to share it with me. So she begins to tell me this story that her mother has said about her dad during her summer visit and how confused she is. OF COURSE it was all lies so I let her know that it wasn't true but that she needed to talk to her dad. I'm not giving all details but one thing that was said was that the bio mom wished I would have never come along because if I hadn't then bio mom and prince charming would still be married. Cinderella was 8 when her bio mom thought it was ok to share that with her......no wonder she hates me. I'm to blame in her mind. I'm the reason her mom and dad are no longer together. ALL FALSE, bio mom doesn't want to reveal the stories about her infidelity and drug abuse and make everything her fault....so she targets dad and makes him the bad guy. Wow, what a lovely bio mom.....she also let Cinderella know that she would never forgive me. What's a child to do when bio mom says never forgive evil step mom who Cinderella lives with 24/7 45 weeks out of the year??? Great job bio mom......you should win an award!

Of course Prince Charming does his duty and lets little Cinderella know this is false and that evil step mom is not to blame and gives Cinderella age appropriate reasons why him and bio mom are no longer together and that they will never be together again. Problem solved??? Cinderella says so.......until PC leaves for the weekend and she is alone with ESM. That is when lil miss perfect tells ESM that she still blames her and wants her and ESM's daughter out of the house so that bio mom can swoop back into the story and live here.......and they can all live happily ever after. Hurt much?

Now you might be thinking.......she's only a child and she is a hurt and confused child who only wants her parents to be back together. I agree....I have 2 kids (19 and 21 now) and their father left when they were 8 and 10. I understand hurt and confusion.

Cinderella has decided that calling ESM "mom" is no longer an option and that she will be calling her by her first name. She has also decided that she can do and say what she pleases in this house and is getting away with it. She has disrespected ESM and this house. She told ESM that she does things on purpose so that PC and ESM will fight about her, hoping that ESM will leave for good. She has also admitted that PC is a pushover and she can get away with whatever with him.....out of control? I think so

Everyone knows I'm evil step mom in this but esm is a character in a book and does not define who I am. She may think I'm a horrible person for stepping in and doing things that moms do when they run a household but she has no clue how good she has it. Because of me being in her life she has a brother and a sister, grandparents, 3 uncles an aunt and lots of cousins who all love her and accept her as our family. I know a child doesn't see how much a mother puts into a family with the buying of clothes, groceries, dinners, laundry, helping them when they are sick, homework, rides...etc etc... She was still in diapers and drinking from a bottle when I met her...who potty trained her and got her off the bottle? Definitely not bio mom. Do I want a pat on the back......NO. Do I want her to bow down and be thankful that someone picked up where her bio mom left off......NO. Do I want respect in MY house.......YES YES and YES!!!

I'm so tired of bio mom and all the crap that she stirs up in this house. Every tuesday night is horrible because that is her "phone time". Every holiday is ruined because that is another time that she has with her to screw her up some more. I sometimes feel like bio mom lives here with everything that goes on. I'm tired, I feel like an outsider in my own house....I need my PC to come to the rescue and make this thing work. I know I can't make her love me and I know that this will be a difficult road but I just wish bio mom was more of a mom and human being so that this road could be a lot less bumpier. Dream on, I know......wishing for another fantasy world.

Pray for this situation.....I have never searched out Step moms before but I'm trying now. I don't know anyone who is a step mom so it's hard. Everyones story is different but the feelings I think can be really similar. Pray that I seek out God more too...it's been hard because I have been so angry and anger is BAD....

10/4/09 Sometimes when I write I'm in a bad mood or things are just overwhelming. This is one of those times. Please read that as someone who is and was very frustrated. Everyone has good and bad days and that was definitely a bad one.

Fitting in

I'm almost 40....not liking that number much, but that is life I guess. There has been a lot going on in my life lately and sometimes you don't want to share things with people because you're afraid they are going to judge you. There are a few people that I share things with, but even then it's limited at times. I'm almost 40 and I still want to "fit in". I don't want to be judged for my past or even my present.

I know we all do it, it's human nature....but sometimes when someone is talking about a certain "sin" or "fault" I start to get anxious. I wonder if that is triggering someone elses' mind about me. I have this huge fear that people are saying....that's totally describing Debbie and all of the bad things she has done in her life...and even some things that she is doing now. Maybe no one is thinking anything but it's so hard not to think that way when you know that so many people are so quick to point at others so that they dont have to look at themselves. I'm guilty of that.

I don't like the feeling of HAVING to "fit in". I don't like the feeling of HAVING to "keep up with the Jones' ". Sometimes (a lot of times) I just want to be me and not worry about what I'm saying, doing or wearing. I'm my own worst critic and I know that.....and I'm probably way too paranoid about what others think of me. I guess that is where my insecurity comes in and that is something that I need to work on.

I love to sing the song by Francesca Battistelli "Free to be me"....I would probably sing it at church if I could. But I've always loved songs about being free, flying away....things like that. I guess because I want to be me and not be judged for my past. I guess that is my issue, I can't see past my past....and I believe that others can't see it either. So many people don't have a clue of what goes on inside of me, but then again....do I have a clue about what's going on inside of them?

I know jealous is not something we should do....but I look at so many of the people in my church and see their "perfect" marriages with their families all in tact and I think about how they have probably never had to deal with drugs and alcohol, abuse or divorce......and I'm jealous. I know that God blessed me with a wonderful husband and that I have wonderful kids. I'm very thankful for that....even though sometimes I don't seem so greatful, I am. There is so much going on with Kayla that it's so difficult at times and puts a strain on things. It's mostly her mother always putting Kayla in a position to be loyal to her and to hate me, that makes it very difficult to parent a child who hates you because they believe you are the reason that their parents are not together. A whole other story...

I wrote my story about 5 years ago now.....about some of the things I went through in life. I thought that maybe if I could tell others about some of the things I had gone through then I could help someone. I haven't actually talked to anyone about my story and felt like I have helped them. Maybe someone has read it and it helped....but I don't know. It was hard to share something so personal in my life.....to let everyone read what things I let myself and my kids endure and now sometimes I almost feel ashamed for even putting it out there and sharing it, but I remind myself all the time that maybe one day it will help someone.....even if it's just one person. My dream, my goal is to be able to help people who are in abusive marriages or relationships and share how my life is now.

I guess we all want to fit in when it comes down to it....no one wants to be the odd man out.

Just thought I would share my thoughts that have been running through my mind lately.

Titles

I was 17 when I ran away from home. I was 18 when I got pregnant. Three months later I was married and 6 months later we had a baby boy. I was married to an alcoholic, drug user who mentally and physically abused me for 11 years. Who am I? I'm the preacher's daughter.

Isn’t it funny how we all stereotype almost everyone we meet? Maybe someone doesn’t even stereotype you but you think they are just because of your “title”. I thought that growing up and I’m sure as soon as you heard what my “title” was, you thought of the same thing that has followed me throughout my life. I am the daughter of a preacher a preacher’s daughter, you know how they act; or so they say. This is my story. On October 21st 1969 there was a little girl that was born and that little girl was everything that her mother and father had wanted. See, they had 3 boys already and momma really wanted a girl. Daddy was a preacher of a small church in Northern California with a wife and 4 small children. As far as I know, they were a very happy family. When I was almost 3 I believe, we moved to Central California to a very small town where my father was a preacher of another small church. Again, I remember just a good life living here but I was still a small child. When I was almost 5 we moved about 2 hours north of this small town and again my dad pastored a small church but I don’t think it was for very long before my dad stopped preaching and we joined another church in the same town. I loved that church; I loved all of the people in it. I remember singing from a very small age and I believe that my very first special in front of a congregation was in front of this church. I have a lot of good memories here, sitting in the pew with my dad and just singing as loud as we could together. I felt like daddies girl so much during these years. I loved when my dad would bring home cherries in a bag and him and I would sit out on the side porch and eat them and spit out the seeds. When I was about 10 my dad decided to start a new church in a town that was about 15 minutes North of where we were. It was a hard move I think because I had a lot of friends on my block and in the church, but I felt that it was close enough to stay in contact. For 3 months we lived in a travel trailer on our property while we built our house. It was hectic, but when the house was finished it was an awesome house that is filled with so many memories. This town is where I feel like I basically grew up. I always felt like an awkward child but never an ugly child. I was doing great in elementary and junior high school and even into my high school years. But this was also the time that my dad and mines relationship went down hill. We didn’t have much of a relationship. I wouldn’t understand why until I was in my early twenties. I feel like I was heavily into church at that point. I loved our youth group and all of the fun things we did. I was a big part of youth rallies and other activities that the church’s youth got together to do. I loved church camp that seemed to be a time where my father and I had the best relationship. I guess it started in Junior High where I felt like everyone looked at me different because I was the preacher’s daughter. I thought that all through Junior High and High School. But no one ever said anything to me about it, no one ever teased me and no one ever made me feel like I had to act out because of it. In my head I thought they were all looking at me different, but in reality they probably weren’t even thinking about me. I guess in High School when I was 16 is when things went bad. I always had my moments and caused trouble here and there. But when I turned 16 I had met these girls from school. I had a “sweet 16” birthday party and invited them to come. It was a slumber party, so you know we were pretty much up all night. We walked to the local mini mart store which was about a mile away. That is when they taught me how to smoke my first cigarette. I don’t blame them, but I just wish I would’ve made better friend choices and decisions. But I was 16 and wanted to fit in. I would say that is when a lot of my bad behavior started. I was hanging out with these girls who hung out on “stoner” corner and I started to smoke cigarettes with them. From the cigarettes came alcohol and from the alcohol came marijuana. I was using my lunch money to buy these things and not eating. I started to ditch school, classes, coming to classes drunk or high. My parents never caught on, I don’t know if they just weren’t involved enough or if I just was good at hiding it. I know I came home a lot and just went straight to bed so they wouldn’t talk to me or smell my breath. These great friends that I had decided to run away, they planned it all out and almost had me convinced to go. I thank the Lord that I had great parents who cared and I knew that running away wouldn’t get me anywhere. I didn’t go, but they did and it was a big mess. I was questioned and everyone wanted me to tell them what happened. I didn’t know what to do. They called me a few times, they were prostituting themselves for money, food, somewhere to stay and they wouldn’t come home. I have no idea to this day where they are or if they are even alive. I know they never came home after running away. Of course I moved on and met another friend who I hung out with all of the time; we were best friends and did everything together until I met Chris. He didn’t go to our school; he was a drop out from the next town over and just “cruised” our high school all the time. That is where I met him basically and we became boyfriend and girlfriend. I was ditching school more and more until eventually I was kicked out and had to go to a home schooling course. Six weeks before I was supposed to graduate I got into a huge fight with my mom about Chris and ran away from home. I went from a loving caring family right into a family who I know loved each other but they were totally different from anything I was ever used to. I moved in with Chris and his parents. His dad was an alcoholic I believe and his mother was an enabler. She helped her kids out of every mess they made and they made a lot. I remember the first time Chris’ dad yelled at us for something stupid we did. He yelled so loud I started to cry, I had never been around someone like that. Chris was a rebel; I guess that is what drew me to him. He introduced me to drugs other than marijuana. He had received money when he turned 18 and we blew most of it up our noses. We were kids gone mad, free to do anything we wanted and we did. We were out partying, never had a curfew and never a care in the world. His mom would give us money all the time, alls Chris had to do was ask. Things were great, until his parents got tired of me living there. They thought I was lazy, which I was. His mom did everything for Chris and so I just let her do it for me too. So we came up with this bright idea with Chris’ friend to move to Reno where his friends’ sister lived in a trailer with her husband and 2 kids. We lived there for about a week before we called Chris’ parents crying to get us a bus ticket to come home. They did and when we got back I moved in with my brother and Chris went back to his parents. I only lasted about another week at my brothers before he kicked me out and I went back to live with my parents. Chris and I were still together, we were just having troubles living in the same place. A few months before this Chris had gotten on his knees and proposed marriage to me without a ring because we both felt that we wanted to always be together but knew that marriage this early was not a good idea. Well a few weeks after being home at my parent’s house I was sick on the couch, every morning. My mom thought I should go to the doctor’s to get birth control. Too late, I was already pregnant. My mom said Chris had to come over and we both had to tell my dad I was pregnant. He did, and my dad’s response was that we had to get married. Chris’ parents were totally against it but 3 months later we were married. His parents said they accepted me into the family and me being 18 thought this was going to be the greatest thing ever. Chris’ dad told me if he ever hit me or hurt me to let him know and he would take care of it. I thought that was crazy, but nice of him to say because I thought that he really cared about me. 6 months later, we had a bouncing baby boy; 9lbs. 4 ounces. I was so happy; I had felt that up to this point that Chris and I had a great relationship, I felt that he cared about me and that having this baby would just make us a great family. Wrong, the pressure became too much for him. He was a 19 year old boy who wanted to be with his friends and wanted to continue to party. I was young too, not quite 19 yet and I wanted to go with him. Several times we left the baby with my parents so that we could go out and do our thing. It was hard on both of us, we were living with my parents and Chris was working for my dad. Chris wasn’t into church and he didn’t want to change his life. One night we started to fight over something and he slapped me, I screamed for my parents and he ran out the back door. Needless to say, he wasn’t welcome back in my parent’s house. I of course forgave him because he apologized over and over and I thought that he loved me so much that it would never happen again. So for a few months we lived in separate homes, him at his parents and I at mine. He got a job working for his sister’s husband; they owned a dairy so the job included a house. Our first house, I was excited. We lived close to his sister and she had a son that was just a few weeks older than our son. But it was just like one big party, they were into drugs really bad and we got sucked up right into it. I was still trying to go to church but had to make excuses of being sick a lot so that my mother would take our son and I could sleep off the high or get high again. It was a vicious cycle. And instead of Chris keeping his promise to never hit me again, things got worse. It was mostly when he was drunk or high, but that seemed to get more frequent. This basically happened for the rest of our marriage, and his dad that told me if he ever hit me to let him know and he would take care of it….Well, the first time I went to him in the middle of the night after running through town to get away from Chris, his dad looked at me, told me I probably deserved it and slammed the door in my face. So much for that. We had another baby 2 years later, a baby girl. He came for the delivery and then left and I didn’t see him again for a few days. He was more into partying and having a good time then being with us and having a family. He worked for the first few years and then he started losing jobs frequently and we were on welfare a lot. I had my first affair when my daughter was about a year old; I knew that if I had an affair that he would leave me. He forgave me and we tried to make it work. It continued to be the same and it made it worse because he threw that in my face all the time and seem to beat me up anytime he thought about it. I learned to never tell him anything like that again. Through out the marriage I had several affairs, most of which he never knew about. I left him numerous times and always came back. I don’t know why I kept coming back and staying with him. He was into drugs really heavy towards the end of our 11 year marriage. He left me one summer towards the end, I don’t remember why this time but while he was gone I was having affairs, until one day he called me from a girl’s house. She was some young 21 year old girl that was a cheerleader in high school and supposedly really pretty. Come to find out later, she was very pretty. I had all of those affairs and thought he deserved all of it, until the table was turned and it happened to me. It was the worst feeling in the world. I couldn’t believe what I had done. I blamed everything on me. He drank, he did drugs and he abused me but I still felt it was my entire fault for not being a good wife. I begged him to come home, I told him I would change, I would do anything for him. I was working full time and I told him that whatever it took I would do it. He did move back home and for over a month I went through things that make me look back and wonder why I went through it and wonder how I survived it. One day I was in the shower and snuck out to hear him on the phone with her telling her that he loved her and missed her and he wanted to come back to her. I cried and cried but he just told me how much he loved her. He went back to her, but he kept calling me at the same time. He wanted his cake and to eat it too. I kept begging him to come home and eventually again he came home. I thought if I would drink with him and hang out at the bars with him that he would love me more. The girlfriend was into drugs just like he was, but I wouldn’t do drugs anymore I had had enough of that. One day while the kids were at church with my parents he was getting drunk as usual and called the girl right in front of me, told me that the only way he could get over her was to go to see her and tell her face to face that it was over. He said that when he left her he just left and really never got to say goodbye. He asked if we could meet her in Sacramento which was about half way between where we both lived. He said he wanted me to come to be his support and so that I would know that he was coming back with me. I agreed. We had to sell some things to even have money to go down there. I wrote my mom a note while they were in church telling her I would be back to get the kids the next day and that we were going to Sacramento to see this girl. Chris’ friend brought her up to Sacramento and we drove down to Sacramento and we met at a Restaurant. When we got there Chris went inside and told me to stay outside so he could talk to her alone. I didn’t want to but he made me. He sent his friend out to make sure I stayed out in this parking lot. We sat there for about 30 minutes until Chris and this girl came out and walked to our truck. I wanted to go kill her, but Chris told his friend to hold me back. He said they were going for a drive because it was too noisy in the restaurant. They both got in the truck and drove away, with my purse in the truck. The only thing I had was my cell phone. His friend and I went into the restaurant and sat there waiting for Chris and this girl to come back. An hour passed, 2 hours passed and Chris’ friend had to go home he had to be at work the next morning. He asked if I wanted him to take me with him so I wouldn’t be stuck there but I was convinced that Chris wouldn’t leave me there and said I would wait. He gave me $20 and left me. A few hours later when I was still there and Chris wasn’t I started to call my family and friends to see if anyone would come get me. First I called my parents and my mom told me that I got myself into it and she wasn’t going to come rescue me. I called my brothers and they all told me they couldn’t. I called friends and no one was able to come get me. Finally I called Chris’ parents to see if they would come get me and they weren’t home. I called his sister and told her what was going on and she finally gave me some hope. She heard Chris outside, she had lived by his best friend and Chris and this girl had come by his house to say hi. The way Chris said Hi was very loud so his sister heard him while I was on the phone. She told me to call back in about 20 minutes and she would go tell him to come get me. When I called back in 20 minutes she said that he didn’t believe her, he thought his friend would take me home and didn’t believe that his friend just left me there. She said that she couldn’t convince him and that he was being a real jerk. She told me to call this girls house because that is where they were headed. I called there and told him to come get me and he said no and hung up on me. I called back again begging him to come and get me that his friend had left me and that I only had $20 to my name and my cell phone was dying. He said to call my family, and when I told him I already did and they wouldn’t come get me he said too bad and hung up on me again. I called him one last time and finally convinced him to come get me and he said he would but he was bringing the girl and that he was just coming to get me and take me home and then leave again with her. I said fine, at that point I didn’t care. I had been sitting in an all night restaurant lying on the seat crying for hours. The people at the restaurant didn’t know what to do to help me. It was so humiliating. Finally about 6 a.m. he came to get me, his girlfriend wasn’t with him. I was so beat down I didn’t even care, I just got in the truck and laid down and cried til I fell asleep. It took a few more weeks before he finally stopped calling her and going down there to see her. I begged him to stay and promised I would do anything for him, including giving him money to buy drugs and go get drunk. For the next year I did give him everything he wanted from money to going to the bars with him to taking the blame for anything that came our way. I lied to the cops for him several times. Almost one year to the day he went to his parents for Thanksgiving and I stayed with my family. I didn’t hear from him for a week. When he showed up back home he packed his bags and moved in with another girl. That was the last straw, I did everything I thought I could possibly do and he still left me, I just knew there was nothing more I could do. In the 11 years that we were married he beat me down physically and mentally to the point that it was really hard to pick myself back up. In 11 years of marriage I was pushed, shoved, slapped, punched, thrown into a glass table, thrown into a shower, shoved up against the wall, held on the ground and tormented, chocked, pushed into a car, jumped out of a moving vehicle, threatened, spat upon, pee’d on, called every name in the book, lied to, had cops at my door and in my home numerous times, cheated on, left, abandoned 2 ½ hours from my home with nothing, slept in the back of a truck, begged for food, had to be on welfare, thought about dying, thought about killing, hurt my kids, hurt my family, lost friends, felt psychotic, became an adulterer, lost my way with the Lord, lost self esteem and self worth, felt fat at 115 lbs, lived in home after home, had to have my parents pay bills, had phones, electricity, water shut off and truck repossessed. I hitch hiked, got into fist fights with people I didn’t know at bars and social events, listened to my husband on the phone telling another woman how much he loved her and missed her, gave my husband money for drugs and alcohol so he wouldn’t leave me, been stranded at home because he would take parts out of my car so I couldn’t leave, be forced to have sex so I could go to the grocery store. I’m sure I could go on and on but out of 11 years of marriage and all of these rotten things that happened to me, the thing that hurts the most is that in all of this I hurt my children by allowing them to see it and go through it. I look in their eyes today and when we talk about the past the hurt in their eyes kills me. I have the hardest time dealing with what I did to them. Why did I do this for 11 years? Even though he was out of my life at that point I had been kicked out of the church. The kids were still going but I wasn’t. I spun out of control. I was partying, drinking, smoking and everything I was so against when I was married to Chris. I got addicted to chat on the internet and between work and going out on the weekends I was chatting in chat rooms. I had no time for my family or my kids. Thank God my parents picked up where I was lacking for my kids. I was a horrible mother and daughter, very self centered and on a path of self destruction. A part of me felt like if I slowed down I would think of Chris and go back to him, and that is the last thing I wanted. I had done that for too many years and I was tired of how he treated us. I knew in my heart that a man that would go to church with me and love my kids as much as I loved them would be the only thing that would make me happy. I thought that was just a fairy tale dream that would never come true. I was picking all the wrong men and some of them were becoming stalkers. I would have to hide with my children in my room and not answer my phone because these men wouldn’t leave me alone. It was a scary time. Eventually I stopped going out much and just stayed home and online. I would never suggest to anyone to ever chat online and meet online men. I, by the grace of God, was the luckiest woman alive when I met my husband now online. He was having his own problems and just happened to be online one New Years day when I ran into him. We talked very briefly but sparked enough interest to continue to talk for another 5 months before he finally decided to come meet me. He drove from Southern California to Northern California and we hit it off right away. I was in a desperate situation at the time, I didn’t know where I was going. I was tired of all the men with all of the broken promises. I knew that moving to Southern California would be a big step, taking my kids away from my parents and their home. I knew that I would have to find a job and support myself and just date this man to see how it went. I knew that a long distance relationship wouldn’t work. I got a job transfer within a month and found a nice little house and moved there the following month after meeting him. Sound crazy?? I know it was, it was just the drastic measure I needed to take to come out of the tail spin I was in. God knew exactly what he was doing. I’m not going to say that it was an easy ride, it was very hard. But my husbands now, boyfriend then, was and is the most loving and understanding, caring and fun loving man that God could have ever put me with. I thank my parents for “making” me go to church when I was a kid. I thank my parents for instilling the morals and values that they gave me growing up. I thank my parents for always being a constant in my life and my kids’ life. When the bible says “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord” I thank God for my parents following Gods word. I understand and realize today how important it is to raise your family in the church. God promises to never give you anything you can’t handle. I feel the Lord gave me a lot, but I know that I am a stronger and better person now with the Lord than I was without. I know we all make mistakes and I know that sometimes it feels like we will never make it out. I am living proof what God can do for you. There are so many more things that I could say about me and my life, what I have been through. There are so many blessings that God has given to me since I have come back to the church. I have been through a lot, and I’m sure there are a lot of women out there who’ve been through as much or more than I have. There is help, there is a way out and there are people who love you if when you don’t think there are. It’s hard for family and friends to stand by and watch their loved one when someone is hurting them. If you are standing back and not letting them help you then you can’t feel like they are not there for you. When I finally let go of my husband and decided to get a divorce my family put up a HUGE wall around me to protect me and have been there ever since. But God is my biggest protector, he helps me every day through prayer and his love to show me that his way is the best way and his way is where I am happy. Today I live in a nice home with a loving, caring man who takes care of me and my 2 children. He also has a child so there is a total of 5 of us in our family. We have 3 dogs, 1 cat, 3 horses, 1 snake and 1 turtle. We go to church at least 3 times a week and we are active in our youth group. My husband and I have great communication and my husband is the head of the house and I try to be the best submissive wife I can be. God’s plan is truly what can make you happy and I know because when I was 18 I married a man that was not in God’s church and never wanted to be. It wasn’t until I was 34 that I got back into church and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I hope my story helps someone and I hope that if you have any questions you’ll write to me or to the pastor of this church (which is the greatest pastor in the world!!! Trust me, I know because he’s MY dad). God bless you and God bless your life. Never let someone put a title on you that doesn’t fit.

I wrote this almost 5 years ago and although everything in it is true....my life didn't stop after that story....my life goes on, and nothing is as perfect as it seems. I still struggle with most of these things and it is a daily battle to work on being a better person and a better Christian. God has truly blessed me and I'm thankful to be where I am today.

Choices

We can not choose who our parents are….not even our family or how we are raised. We do have the choice of how we act, who we choose as friends and our decisions. But from the moment we are born into this world we all have choices.
I was born and raised in a Christian home, a home that was for the most part full of love and had a commitment to Christ. I learned about God and Jesus from the day I was born. I learned of his love and his sacrifice to die for my sins. I made a choice at the age of 13 to accept Jesus into my heart and follow his commandment of baptism and being a member of His church. The choices I made after that to follow him as he commanded didn’t always work out the way I wish it would have.
I grew up in church and I always learned about Gods way. I was very lucky to have the love and education from my parents to know Jesus. A lot of people in this world don’t have that in their lives. They grow up in homes that don’t have that commitment to church or anything else. A home of drugs maybe or abuse or being told that living by good works will get you into heaven. It always baffles me to watch a new member of the Lord’s family who never knew Christ in their childhood accept him as their savior and to learn and grow in his word and his church. I sometimes envy, which I know is not right, their new found love and understanding of God and everything that he does for us as his children. I almost feel like because I grew up in church that I take advantage of knowing his love and his forgiveness. But I also know that not everyone finds the love of God and never end up with that peace and understand that one day when they die they will go to heaven.
For a really long time when I was younger I always thought that I had time to get right with the Lord. I knew that he was a loving God and that I could always come back to him and have the forgiveness I needed to be right with Him. I took advantage of His love and mercy towards me. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I didn’t care at the time, I was young and I was forgiven when I stopped and asked, even if I kept doing it.
Choices…..we all have them and we can make the right ones or we can make the wrong ones but in the end we all reap what we sow. I feel sad that I wasted so many years making the wrong choices. I know that I am forgiven but I also feel the sorrow of how I hurt my family and friends in the meantime. God is a gracious God and I am so thankful for that.
We never know how much time we have on this earth, my thoughts of having all the time in the world and taking care and fixing what I was doing when I was old was the wrong way of thinking. God could have taken me home at any time, whether I was ready or not. I would never want to be taken home while doing something that was wrong in God’s eyes. Can you imagine standing before God in the twinkling of an eye after you just took a sip of an alcoholic drink, or doing drugs or any amount of sins that we do on a daily basis? It wouldn’t be a good feeling I’m sure. I can’t imagine the disappointment that God had in me during all of those times I failed to follow his word.
When I was 17 I made the choice to run away from home because I was not getting what I wanted. I wanted to be with a boy that my parents told me I couldn’t be with. I moved in with him and his parents and chose to live there until they kicked me out as well. I chose to stay with that boy and become pregnant and then I chose to marry him. At the time I thought our decision was a good one, because we loved each other….at the age of 18. I allowed him to control me, eventually when he started to abuse me mentally and physically I chose to stay with him for 11 years.
God loves me, this I know. He only gives you as much as he knows you can handle. So many times I wasn’t sure that I could handle one more thing, but God was always there even when I wasn’t following Him. God’s love is always there for his children and he had me wrapped up in His arms, even if I was kicking and screaming…he held on tight. When my ex husband left me I thought I would die, I wanted to die. It was a very tough thing to swallow. After all of the abuse and hard times we had been through, why? Why wasn’t I good enough? I took everything he threw at me and he still left me. I can’t even begin to tell you what happened to me from that point. I know that I put my kids through a time that is unbearable for me to think of, especially to think of what my kids suffered because of me. I’m sure most people would look at those times and think that I didn’t love my children and what kind of mother does that to her kids? I’m so ashamed to even write them down on paper or say them out loud to anyone. Through all of those times though I knew one thing, my kids needed church and needed the foundation that was given to me growing up. My parents took over where I dropped off and made sure they were taken care of. They were in every church service and deeply loved by everyone in the church. But they were lacking a mother who took care of them. It hurts my heart more than anyone will ever know.
Then I made a choice where I know everyone who knew me thought I was crazy. I wasn’t even sure myself but I knew that where I was wasn’t the place for me. I met a man online in a chat room and 6 months later moved 10 hours away to be with him. It was an easy choice for me, I wanted to get away from my life that I was living and this man seemed so perfect. I wasn’t involved in church and I was still holding on to the fact that I could start my life with God later. It was a hard thing for my kids and my parents to live with. Luckily my kids adapted and after the initial shock of moving away from everything they knew and their church and grandparents they seemed to adapt to the whole situation. We lived there for 2 years and in that time this man and I found our way back to church and were married and began a new life making better choices.
Just because you marry a good man, someone who loves the Lord the way you do doesn’t mean that the road becomes easy. We chose to become a blended family and because of that we have had very difficult times. Just because we chose to become married didn’t mean our kids were OK with the idea. It took some time for my kids to adjust to having a step dad but I believe at this point they really love him. His daughter however is still having difficulties with our blended family. Her mother is not happy about our situation and it seems that every little wrench she can throw into this family, she does and we deal with it on an almost daily basis.
We are very dedicated to our church at this point and continually try and grow and become spiritually closer to God and his people. But we are far from perfect and we have a lot of things that go on in our household that would probably shock some people. It is hard to make the right choices every day; we are all sinners by nature. It is not an excuse, but is a fact.
I am almost 40 and my life could be half over…..if I live out my days before the Lord comes. I feel like I have made a lot of wrong choices in my life because of the knowledge of God’s mercy. I knew when I was drinking, doing drugs and so many other things that I’m too embarrassing to write about that I would be forgiven the day I was willing to give it all up. But for so long I didn’t want to give those things up. The only thing that did for me was have regret every day of what I missed out on in my life if I would have just made the right choices. God is good, God is great…..we serve an AWESOME God. He loves us when we don’t deserve it. I know I don’t know the extent of God’s love for his children but I know how much I love my kids and how much they mean to me. I know how much I would do for them and I try every day to make up for the wrongs I did when they were growing up. God has never done anything against us; he has always loved us even when we have not loved Him. I know with all of my heart that my kids forgive me for the things I have done but it is very difficult for me to forgive myself for those things. It is not easy being a parent and no one ever teaches you those things in life that hurt so much when you see your son go off to Boot Camp. No one ever tells you how much it hurts to hear him cry on the phone because he is so homesick and misses you and everyone at home. No one tells you how hard it is for your son to live thousands of miles away that you only see him a few times a year, if your lucky. No one prepares you for your little girl to move away on her own and live a life that you’re not ok with. No one tells what to do with your tongue that has turned to hamburger meat because you have to bite it so much it’s all chewed up. No matter what, no one can prepare you for the days that your children grow up and move on. My kids bring me so much joy and I am proud of both of them. I have no clue, but by the grace of God, how they turned out so awesome. They have made better choices so far then I ever did at their age and that makes me very proud. I know that I don’t have anything to do with who they are, I give all the glory to God for keeping them safe during those times that were so unsafe and so wrong.
You can’t choose your family but I’m so thankful that God gave me the family that I have. I have wonderful parents that showed me true love and three wonderful brothers who have given me so many things in life. My oldest brother is a hard worker for the Lord, dedicating his family and his life to the ministry of building for churches around the world. My next brother is amazingly strong and has had a lot of similar trials in his life that I faced and I know that God has carried him through as well. My brother who is just a little over a year older than me faces trials every day but I know that he loves the Lord and I know that God will help him through, he is amazing and I love all of my brothers so much. My father who is the pastor of the church I go to inspires me so much. We had a rocky relationship when I was younger but over the years we have grown really close and I love him dearly. He is a very godly man who dedicates his life to the Lord daily. He lives by what he preaches and he shows me all the time what God wants from us in our daily lives by his actions. He doesn’t just preach it from the pulpit he lives it. My mother is the most beautiful woman alive. I have to compete for her attention; she is so loved by everyone in our church. She is so giving and kind, she loves everyone and wants to save the world…. one counseling session at a time. She truly is a blessing and I hope to be like my parents one day.
In my choices in life it has left a lot of scarring and trauma. I have a lot of anxiety and fears from things that I have been through. My passion is to help others that are going through or have been through similar situations. I would love to work with teens that are on the edge of decision-making that could go in the wrong direction. I don’t wish that anyone would have to go through the things that I have gone through and then have to deal with them on a daily basis. It is not worth it. I feel saddened to think it took over 30 years to realize that the things of this earth will fade away and all that matters are the things you did to glorify God. Our time on earth is but a vapor, heaven is eternity….FOREVER! What is a fancy car, a diamond ring, a nice house, boats, toys, clothes, etc going to buy you in heaven? Nothing, absolutely nothing.
We have a choice every day. What will your choice be? Don’t let it take you 40 years or more to realize that your life has been nothing to show for God, but all show for things that don’t matter.
You don’t learn things in school about being a good wife or husband. You don’t learn about being a good parent or the difficulties of raising a child, seeing them leave when they are grown and watching them make their own mistakes. You don’t learn how to manage your money and make the right decisions financially. You don’t learn about the heartaches of divorce, blended families or even the fact that if you made the right decision there wouldn’t be divorce and blended families. We don’t learn these things in school, but we can learn them from the bible. I know that we try and teach our kids in church about some of these things but I don’t think we talk about a lot of the choices that are out there for our young kids and even for our adults that have backslidden away from God.
I make a lot of wrong choices daily. If I’m being honest I make a lot of wrong choices with my husband and his daughter on a daily basis. I still make mistakes with my own kids. I make choices not to read my bible, not to be as faithful as I could be to church and to step up in more areas in our church that are needed. I need your prayers for those things. I need to be on my knees more and I need to be in my bible more so that when I am tempted or I am frustrated and full of anxiety my mind can recall scriptures from the bible so that I can calm those fears, frustrations or desires to do wrong.
My life has not always been what it needs to be, but I want my life to be a testimony of God’s never ending love and his commitment to me. If I could go back and apologize to everyone I hurt along the way I would. I know that God forgives me, I just wish that those people could know how deeply sorry I am for not being the witness that I needed to be. I pray that those people find someone in their life that shows them Jesus better than I ever did.
I chose to write this because it was on my heart. If it doesn’t help anyone else, it has helped me to realize that I need to start making better choices in my life. Nothing ever seems as “perfect” as you might think it is. We all need to love each other and lean on each other and have faith in each other.
We serve an amazing God….Amen.